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Dropping the first kid off at College this week
Mrs. Chopper and I will be getting through this milestone this week. Will be bittersweet of course. I would expect there will be some onion slicing at the exit. Those of you that have been through it what advice do you have?
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Keep your wallet clos
Keep your wallet close by, and, slightly open for quick access.
just did the same thing on Thursday. Unfortunately it was in Fayetteville Arkansas and not Athens, except for the fact I live in Springfield, MO. Hope it went well for you.
When my wife and I did that, we spent a long weekend helping her move in and setup her apartment. We dined well and had a really enjoyable trip... halfway home my wife who is not generally a crier, burst into tears for the rest of the trip. Just might want to keep that in the back of your mind. Good luck to your family it is a watershed moment!
My daughter was 17 when I watched her walk down an ECV hallway to her room and her new life at UGA. I'd spent a few days buying last minute stuff…it's not easy moving your kid across the country and trying to make sure you haven't forgotten anything. But that last walk was brutal. I already knew she wasn't coming home for Thanksgiving so it was about to be just over 4 months before I would see her again.
The next day as I drove to Hartsfield it all felt wrong, going the opposite direction from where my heart was. On the advice of a friend who had done the same a year before, I wore a pair of Jackie O size sunglasses on the plane ride home and spent the next 4 hours mostly in tears.
It's okay to do a little "extra" as you move her in. It's okay to be sad. I used as much self-control as I could muster to keep the tears to a minimum in front of her but I let it flow afterward.
Let your student dictate the contact particularly in the first few weeks. They will be busy and that's good! They need and want to establish their independence and that's good too.
If you want some good reading support try
https://grownandflown.com/
What they want is your support and to be there when they need you.
I've never had a child go off to college. In spite of that, I love to give advice, so: Of course it it bittersweet - many things in life are. However, don't forget to focus on yourselves a bit, as well as your child. Remind yourself, often, that this event means you have done a great job raising a child, something that I know from my work is not an insignificant task. Pat yourselves/each other on the back, take pride in what you have accomplished and enjoy all of your child's future successes. They couldn't have done that w/o you.
Well, grandpa drove our oldest to college since our fourth showed up a month early and I was in the hospital. I may not be able to give the best advice 😅 Seriously, every family and every child is different, so do what works best for y'all. When the early bird started his post-high school training, we really enjoyed texting back and forth.
Congratulations and condolences to all who are and will be experiencing this life milestone for your families. If your children are moving out to enter adutlhood in whatever way, be it college, military, new job,marriage, etc, then you have done your part well.
Times have certainly changed. I recall my parents waving as I left their house in my loaded up 1980 Toyota Corolla headed to Athens, never to move back home. 😁
I am not there yet, but I think about how I am going to handle this frequently. Although I think my son will most likely stay home and commute for his schooling, I expect my daughter is going to branch out a bit more. This is not something I will be waiting to tell her until the day I drop her off, but I am going to remind her not to forget who she is and not to believe everything she hears from her professors and new acquaintances (about the world or herself). Just because something might sound right, doesn't make it true. I had plenty of professors spout off all kinds of stupidity and opinion as fact when I was at UGA and I shudder to think about what they say these days. The people I learned the most from where typically GAs.
Of course I am going to tell her that I love her, will miss her deeply, and I am so proud of her. I also plan to tell her to have fun but keep in mind that if she isn't communicating with her mother and in a real way daily, the money will stop flowing and she will be coming home. Sorry Wpony but that notion of independence is poppycock and bad advice IMO. Why would you need to cut off communication with your parents to gain independence? I have heard too many stories of colleges totally unravelling everything their parents have instilled in their children for their first 18 years in a matter of weeks. Everyone needs someone, especially there parents - the types of needs might change when they move out, but the root of the relationship shouldn't and I do not intend to become her lender. My goal and hope is that my kids never stop confiding in me - not for a single day until the day I die. Behind God, we should be 1 one in their lives until they are married, then we are number 2, until they have their own kids, then we are number 3. Never settle for anything else than a place on their podium.
For starters, the OP asked for advice and it's a given that not everyone is going to have the exact same advice. As parents, we know our children better than other people do. The major difference between you and I is that I've been through the experience and you haven't.
Moving on, where did I say cut off communication? That's right, I didn't. I said, "Let your student dictate the contact particularly in the first few weeks." There wasn't even a moment where cutting off communication was an option so I have no idea where you came up with that. My daughter was 17, 2,300 miles from home, and knew nobody. Staying attached to home through required daily coms wasn't going to benefit her. She needed to attach to the community at UGA. She joined a sorority, she joined Freshley, she had an internship, she went to football games, basketball games, and took regular weekend trips exploring GA. Bottom line, she was busy and learning about herself and building self-confidence. Yes, to me, becoming independent is important. Because what if something happens to me? IMO, my job as parent is to prepare my kids to be successful without me and none of us is promised another day.
Did it work? Well, she graduated UGA in 4 years with both a BS and MS. She had an internship all 4 years, as well as a summer internship with a USA sports team, and is currently gainfully employed and engaged. The values she was raised with are still very much intact. Over those 4 years, she had the quintessential college experience. We managed to drive across the country 2.5 times; from SoCal to Athens, from Athens to OKC, and finally from Athens back to SoCal. We saw a lot of this amazing country and had great talks together. That may not be the formula for anyone else, it's just what worked for us.
I'm glad your daughter turned out so successful and had a great experience wpony714. Nice job mom! (this is not meant to be sarcastic)
I disagreed with your recommended approached to communication because of lots of stories I have heard from other parents where this did not turn out so well in the recent past. You don't have to agree with my advice, but I wanted Chopper to here my differing opinion / plan after reading your approach and knowing the potential pitfalls. Obviously its up to him to decide what path he wants to take.
Its also obvious that it takes more than a good bye speech to set her up to be successful on her own… your daughter was most likely successful during her years in college and after for many reasons beyond that and the years of love and direction you provided leading up to it.
I'm not very emotional, Chopper, but this event really got to me. Don't feel bad if the onion bag is bigger than you expected. I came from a large and happy family, and when my oldest sibling left for college we never lived under the same roof again as a family. When it happened with my kids, I couldn't get that out of my mind. Rationally, you don't want your kids living in your basement at 30, but it's still a tough transition even if you understand it has to happen. I think the key is realizing that your relationship with your kids changes as they age. The other thing to remember is that your time with them is perishable. Enjoy every minute, no matter their stage of life.
I expect this be about a 50 lb bag of onions, the purple kind, peeled, diced and laced with jalapeno seeds. I am dreading the final goodbye and I'm not sure what to do. The tough-guy veneer on my brain wants to make it a quick "OK buddy, we're outta here…give us a shout later" and just hit the road before the dam breaks but that may be a bit light. If we make it a 3 person clingy hug after an awkward silence and even remotely come close to any "Go make us proud" stuff it's gonna get bad in a hurry and once it starts it's gonna flood & I have to drive 2 hours home. All of this is compounded with our younger one turning 16 last week and you know how that works.
We shall see.
Hang in there, Chopper. Remember, this is a GOOD thing. Plus, nothing wrong with a few tears. Nothing at all.
It's a big change for everyone. It does require some bit of letting go as a parent, a passing of being everything to your child, and being a part of their daily life. What I truly missed was my daughter's daily routine of plopping herself on my bed and saying, "hello mum (no, she's not british)", and then telling me everything about her day, about her classes, her friends, all the daily tea.
The relationship does become something different and in a lot of ways, something better and deeper. I will always miss the younger days, they were special beyond. Time has a way of marching across our face and over our hearts. Seeing your kids thrive seems to be the best remedy.
I'll be dropping #2 off next week, this one is my son. It will be just as hard even though he'll be a 7-hour drive as opposed to 5 days. My daughter arrived on this planet ready to take on the world. My son is more thoughtful with how he goes about life. He just got back from a guy's trip to Japan that he organized so he'll be good….but that spot in my heart is gonna hurt.
At least you’re prepared for “THAT” hug. But sorry to tell you, preparation won’t make much difference. Just let it out!
@chopper , I am sitting here listening to my youngest who is now 45 talking to her mother, just like 4-6 days a week.…things will change but if the foundation is good it's different but good. Biggest thing is for you and your wife to accept the child is now an adult! Best wishes!
Just came across this article. Interested to know what folks think about it.
Overinvolved in your college kid’s life? It’s understandable but not helpful, experts say | CNN
Lots of great points. Helicopter parenting has given way to snowplow parenting and it harms the kids. As soon as they experience failure, they don't know how to deal with it because they haven't been prepared.
"According to a survey by Resume Templates, 26 percent of those ages 18 to 27 brought along a parent to a job interview — and that’s just the beginning of the disturbing findings from the survey, conducted in April among 1,428 U.S.-based respondents who said they had searched for a job in the last year.
“Gen Z has a reputation for lacking the independence, motivation, and real-world knowledge to contribute in the workplace,” the employment resource provider said in a media release….
Of Gen Z’ers who brought their parent(s), 31 percent had a parent accompany them to an in-person interview, while 29 percent had them join a virtual interview.
“For those who had a parent come to an in-person interview, 37 percent say that their parent accompanied them to the office, 26 percent say their parent physically sat in the interview room, and 18 percent say their parent introduced themselves to the manager. Additionally, 7 percent say their parents answered questions.”
Just…..what….the….heck. They appear to be the least capable generation ever raised in America.
One other thing I've learned reading from other parents is that they get FAR more upset about things happening to their kids than the students do. Kids learn to take a lot of stuff in stride (unless they have the over-involved parent) whereas parents seem more likely to involve themselves without waiting to see if their child can resolve it on their own. Lots of parents shocked to find out that UGA won't talk to them and that the only access they have to their child's account is the part where you pay, lol.
I don't know how or exactly when the script flipped but we seem to have gone from the Greatest Generation to the neediest.
can’t imagine my daughter asking me to come along to a job interview lmao
Edit: speaking of parents getting mad at stuff that doesn’t bother their kids have you seen the video of the parent attacking a wrestling ref because he warned his son not to use a dirty move again?